Journal Entry 4/20 From Kristi

Five months today since Zac’s accident.

Five is the Biblical number of grace, and multiplied by itself, which is 25, is 'grace upon grace' (John 1:16)

Twenty-five days left of rehab.

Yes, God’s grace upon grace.

It amazes us how fast the days seem to pass here now. It’s been a very quiet week with just Zac and I here, falling into a rhythm once again of focused rehab.

Every day we look for those glimmers of hope that something more will “return” - we do not know the end intended by the Lord - though I was reminded of James 5:11 this week: “You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord —that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.”

And I believe that with all of my heart. God has been compassionate and merciful; we do not grasp for hope as if it is elusive. For if hope is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen (Heb. 11:1), then we do not grasp for elusive outcomes, but outcomes of compassion and mercy already accomplished by the Lord.

Already accomplished.

So we can rest and not strive.

We can persevere and work hard, knowing God has finished this story, and He is GOOD.

And even when we falter, He picks us back up.

Four times Zac has fallen from his chair now. Four scary times. The first time was when we first came to Outpatient, and saw the couch in the room... such an exciting idea to sit on a couch... so I helped him slide from his wheelchair to the couch. He loved sitting there. “I feel like just a regular guy, hanging out on the couch” he told me.

But we didn’t consider the 8 inches we would have to lift to get back into his chair. And as we worked to move him back to his chair, the wheelchair slipped and he started to slide down to the floor. I panicked. I grabbed him under both armpits and desperately hoisted him as much as I could to lift him back to the couch. But I didn’t have enough strength.

“Just let me fall, Mom,” he said to me. It broke my heart. Moms are not conditioned to let their children fall. But I didn’t have enough strength.

I straightened out his tangled legs and we eventually used the electric lift to get him back up. So thankful it had been sitting in the corner of the room, just waiting for us, knowing not if, but when he would fall.

The second fall came Easter Morning when a leg spasm launched him forward out his chair.

The third fall came this weekend when transferring to bed.

And hour later, he fell backwards and onto the floor.

We have been told: it is not if you will fall, but when.

We are learning that God gives more grace, indeed, grace upon grace, more strength of heart, each time we fall.

I want to be his savior. I want to protect Zac from all further harm. But I hear God whisper, even as Zac did to me, “let him fall; I will pick him up.”

For “The Lord sustains all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down.” (Psalm 145:14)

Ok Lord, then You raise him up - I can’t.

You do the work in Him - I will cheer him on.

You lift him on his feet again for our sure hope is in You.