Journal Entry 1/7 From Kristi

I woke up anxious today.

A big Clinical Care Management Conference was scheduled for this afternoon with Zac’s doctor and entire therapy team (around 14 specialized therapists) to discuss Zac’s medical and functional status, establish goals, and plan for his discharge. I wasn’t sure my heart was ready for it. I didn’t want to think about a plan. I didn’t want to try to understand why he is weak. Day by day seems all I can manage. But the Lord steadied my heart. #zacsHope... “an Anchor to the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast...”. Heb. 6:19. Deep breath. Ok Lord, I’m ready.

Zac and I arrived to the conference room first, coffee in hand. I wondered if he was nervous. He didn’t seem so. One by one they began to arrive... his team... the Physical Therapist, Occupational Therapist, Recreational Therapist, Speech Therapist, Case Manager, Doctor, Nurse, Technician, Respiratory Therapist, Phycologist, Dietitian... all of those who have been assigned to Zacs care here. And then family, my blessed support team, began to log on to Zoom to join remotely.

One by one his Therapists began to give their evaluation of Zac. One by one they spoke of his strength, energy, positive attitude, faith... one by one they shared their plans of how to get him to a functioning place to return home and thrive. And then family began to ask questions... each one that spoke seemed to lift a little bit of my burden. So much to process. But what an incredible support team the Lord has given us. I’m overwhelmed.

Saying good night to Zac, I left feeling quite weary. I logged onto our live-streamed church service to see Spencer leading worship and Everest playing percussion. There was an empty space between them on the stage. And I started to cry. Lord, Zac belongs there, right in between them, playing his bass. And as quickly as my tears came, the Lord very firmly said, “Do you trust Me?”

Tonight, I’m kinda at loss for words. But I guess that’s ok. Tonight, the Lord keeps repeating Himself: “Do you trust Me?”

I do feel weak. But I KNOW He is worthy of my trust. He has NOT failed us yet. He does NOT change.

I falter when I lean on my own understanding. When I lean on what I see. When I come up with my own plan. I’m AM so thankful for Zac’s awesome team here who want to formulate the very best plan for Zac’s rehab. But when all is said and done, I must not forget the Lord has the final Plan.

Lord, help me to trust in You with all of my heart.