Journal Entry 8/20/2021 From Kristi
Great news today. We received a phone call from the Mayo Clinic that said Zachary was approved to participate in their CELLTOP Stem Cell Study. We’ve been waiting for almost a month now for the results of his blood test and final approval. So we are scheduled to return to Rochester MN where they will do a belly fat tissue biopsy… then in 6-8 weeks, these new healthy stem cells will be re-injected into his spine. It is all Gods amazing science; we look forward to what HE will do to show Himself mighty in Zacs life.
It’s a blessing to finally be active in physical therapy again. It’s not as intense as our therapy at Craig Hospital, but we usually bring a team in to work with Zac and mimic a lot of the exercises he did back at Craig, including using a vibration plate to send impulses into his nerves through his bare feet as he works on balancing and strengthening his core. Zachary has become a great instructor to all of us; no doubt he could get a therapist job back at Craig if he put his mind to it!!
This month has been rough. It feels there has been a new spinal cord injury challenge to deal with each week. I continue to watch the heart of my son as he deals with daily frustrations; but I’ve also noticed that although he can get weary, Zacs joy is unwavering because he does not question the heart of His Father. He trusts in His goodness. He doesn’t fear what seems to be his apparent loss. Because he believes God is bigger than his injury. He looks past it. This amazes me. And humbles me.
I’ve been praying for the Lord to strengthen my heart. It feels so fragile right now. Though it hardly compares, I’m feeling a great loss too as I pack up our home of ten years for a move to a location that has not been fully established yet. We move in two weeks and we do not yet have a home ready. It is a weighty thing to feel loss without the hope of how it will all end up.
“It will all be ok, Mom,” Zac gently encouraged me yesterday. “God will work it all out, even if you don’t have all the details yet.” I’m humbled. It’s just a dumb house. He has to trust God for his very legs.
Feeling quite uprooted these days, The Lord brought me to John 15 this week. God says, “I am the Vine, you are the branches. Remain…” Praise God I’m rooted in Him, not this home; praise God Zac is grounded in Jesus, not his legs.
7 times in 7 verses, John 15 tells us to remain in Him. And as a branch connected to the Vine, we then bear fruit, and that fruit is joy, and the joy of the Lord is our strength….
Indeed, ZacsHope is Jesus. Again and again, it all points back to Him.
Journal Entry 8/10 From Kristi
To be honest, I’ve sat down almost every day to attempt to pen an update, but it is hard to focus. Months of uninterrupted therapy for Zac now clash with integrating back into life at home. Both are needful. But our rhythm is definitely off.
This was my thot from last week:
“It’s too much, Lord.”
I can’t even begin to count how many times I have found myself completely depleted, crying this out to the Lord since our return from rehab two months ago. The layers of this journey seem to unfold before us daily, with new twists and turns to the road of recovery.
Overwhelmed, I cry out, “it’s just too much, Lord.”
It dawned on me today that this depletion could be good. Feeling empty is not necessarily a bad thing. It leaves me exhausted and with no other agenda but to trust the Lord. And so with the emptying, goes the fears. And the questions. And my own efforts. Cause I’m too tired to fight on my own. And gladly I just want to step aside and let the Holy Spirit lead the way.
And I always find that the Lord somehow rescues me from that moment and gently fills me up again. And again. And again.
“so our eyes look to the Lord our God, until He has mercy upon us.” (Psalm 123:2)
Mercy comes as we keep our eyes on the Lord.
————————-
Today’s thoughts:
We are STILL waiting for physical therapy to get cleared by insurance. I’ve been restless/ anxious since leaving Craig for him to get active again. Piles of phones calls, paperwork, research…. There is no one close by who is familiar with spinal cord injuries, but we’ve met with a local therapist who is great, has a heart for Zac, and is willing to take him on. But again, the Lord must be the One to lead this journey for all of us. For if Zachary is God’s workmanship, which he is (Eph. 2:10), then God is leading the therapy and we must simply trust.
We are STILL waiting to hear back from the Mayo Clinic. God will either open the doors completely or shut them. Again, lots of paperwork, phone calls, labs… etc. This is Gods story. We do all we can and then lay it at His feet and simply trust.
We are STILL waiting to know where we will be moving come Sept 4th. We are in escrow on a home (which has quite a story in and of itself), but complications arise daily and the Lord must be the One to keep the door open. He knows where He wants us. We must simply trust.
So… lots of STILLS happening in life right now. Including, Zac, who is STILL smiling; God, who is STILL working; and me, who is STILL learning.
A good time to “be STILL and know that HE is God.” (Psalm 46:10)
Oh yes, and I STILL need to start packing.
Journal Entry 7/20 From Kristi
“I will stand my watch
And set myself on the rampart,
And watch to see what He will say to me.” Hab. 2:1
It is incredible to me that it’s been 15 days since I have last been able to pen my thoughts. Life swallows up thoughts fast and though they keep pouring in, I find it is a true discipline to bring them before the Lord for understanding.
I’ve missed my time with Him in that respect and so I’m gluing myself to this chair, setting myself on the ramparts, and gonna just start typing to see what He wants to say…
I find we have come to another 20th of the month… 8 months now of this journey. Reflection is always good because it always presents the faithfulness of God. I once wrote this song: “Looking back over time, Your faithfulness shines as the reason my hope is renewed.”
Amen.
Back home now for just over a month. There is a stillness in being home, but with an impending move, we are not really settling in. I’m unpacking from CO and packing home for wherever He takes us.
Last week we found our journey came full circle once again as we returned to the same ER that Zac was ushered into by ambulance 8 months ago (this time we came for a simpler visit just needing antibiotics). But the sentiment was not wasted on either of us. It was strange being back, as flashbacks to the original day rolled across our minds like a movie. The doctor and two nurses that Zac saw for this visit said they had been the attending crew that worked with Zac an hour after his accident. Our hearts were filled with so much gratitude to see clearly those faces that were such a blur before. Truly, they were the hands of God for that moment of crisis. And reflecting on the faithfulness of God in being with us through this journey really touched us both.
Looking back in gratitude allows us to look ahead in faith: Tomorrow we begin a new adventure - we will be flying out to Minnesota. Zac was one of 40 selected nationwide to participate in a Mayo Clinic Stem Cell Study. Over the course of this next year, we will return to Minnesota a total of 6 times… as they proceed to take stem cells from Zacs belly fat and eventually inject the healthy cells into his wounded spine. Again, this is God’s story, not ours. But it is so wonderful to simply rest in the hope trusting in Him brings.
“Now therefore, stand and see this great thing which the LORD will do before your eyes!” 1 Sam 12:16
We shall see!!
Journal Entry 7/14 From Kristi
“La vida de la carne in le sangre esta.” …. after years of Spanish lessons, it was really the only Bible verse that stuck with me. “The life of the flesh is in the blood” (Lev 17:11) and oh how true I have learned this to be. It all comes down to the Blood. This week was no exception.
On Wednesday we flew to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota for Zacs qualification visit to participate in the Stem Cell study he was accepted into… A Stem Cell Study which holds the hope of possible nerve restoration through heathy cell injections. Zac was the 30th (not 40th) and the last (for now) nationwide to be accepted into this Mayo study. The door of the study literally closed right after him. Feeling humbled and in awe that God allowed our entrance.
Navigating an airport with a wheelchair is not an easy task. But we are getting better. I’m the luggage carrier… a 75 lb ginormous suitcase that includes his shower chair and medical supplies, plus my backpack, slide board, extra cushion, and coffees . We check in early, ask for a skinny “isle chair”, Zac does a pop-over transfer to isle chair, they wheel him into the plane, pop-over transfer to airplane seat - don’t forget to place the extra cushion underneath - now hold on tight so you don’t lose balance at take off (he actually does quite well considering he has very little core strength)…..
We had a layover in Denver; our hearts were certainly tugged with sentiment being so close to Craig Hospital and our dear friends there again.
Landed in Rochester around 4:30 pm. We quickly learned that the Mayo Clinic is more like a Mayo-City, set in the center of Rochester which is set in the center of corn fields. The Mayo Clinic is truly a labyrinth of blocks and blocks of hospitals, offices, clinics, and educational buildings, all connected by tunnels and skyways, with coffee shops, hotels, and delis scattered between.
Settled into our hotel, and closing the day off in prayer, I knelt down next to Zacs bed to pray with him, but before I was finished, he was already asleep. I just stared at his body laying on the bed… so youthful, so strong, but so unable to move. I still can’t wrap my head around it.
Even as he slept, I read to him a Scripture that had just been given to me: “For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth. By You I have been upheld from birth; You are the one who took me from my mother's womb. My praise shall be continually of You. I have become as a wonder to many, But You are my strong refuge.”
Ps 71:5-7
This is his testimony. He finds his refuge in God.
Thursday morning the appointments came fast and furious: up at 4:30 am (2:30 am Brookings time), blood work at 6:50, Evoked Potential Testing at 7:30 am where they hooked up electrodes to his brain to determine how much his brain was communicating with his nerves, then a stroll around Mayo Park, 2 hr Spinal MRI at noon, INSCI test at 3 pm where his level of paralysis was re-determined, and dinner at Famous Daves to celebrate at the end of the day.
It was explained to us that, although he has been accepted as a good candidate for the Study, he would qualify to continue based on his test results. “Exactly what results are you looking at?” I inquired.
“The bloodwork,” they told us. “He has qualified in every other way. So now It all depends on the blood.”
“Of course it does, Lord” I immediately thought. We are on the brink of participating in a Stem Cell Study, hosted by the top Hospital in the Nation, study that brings hope of restoration and healing. And they tell me it all depends on the Blood.
Lord, there is nothing we can do apart from You. Because of Your Blood shed on the cross, we have complete healing of our broken, paralyzed souls. You are the only One that can qualify us to receive the healing we need. Thank you for using Zacs life as such a perfect example, over and over again.
But I know You’re not done yet.
“But that you may KNOW God has the power to forgive sins, I say to you, ‘Stand up and walk.’ and he stood up and walked.” (Matt 9:6) We are all in this story together. God’s doing something big in all of our lives. For there is redemption for our paralysis. But it all depends on the Blood.
Journal Entry 6/14 From Kristi
November 20, 2020, was a beautiful, sunny day. Zachary was off work and left the house to go surfing. An hour later, I was homeschooling Everest when Rich rushed into the classroom.
“There’s been an accident at the beach, Kristi. It’s Zachary.”
My heart leaped into my chest; I threw on the closest shoes I could find and ran out the door of my home. That was 206 days ago. And I haven’t been home since.
Rich and I rushed to the beach with our other kids right behind us. When we arrived, we immediately spotted a crowd and an ambulance surrounding someone. That someone was my Boy. I pushed past everyone to see Zachary laying on a stretcher, unable to move, his wet suit cut from his body lying in a heap on the ground. I don’t remember the words that rushed out of my mouth; I attempted to comfort him, but my eyes locked onto his, somehow I knew he was gonna be okay.
I hopped in the ambulance with him as we drove 30 min south to the nearest trauma center. An hour later we both boarded a life-flight plane and flew to Mercy Medical Center. He was rushed into surgery that night and, when he woke up two days later, his nurse looked at him, explaining his injury, and said, “do you understand what this means? You will never walk again.” My heart broke and I screamed inside, “God, YOU have the final Word in Zac’s life!!”
Thanksgiving came and went. 26 days at Mercy passed. Then Zac and I were placed on a Leer Jet and sent to Craig Hospital Rehabilitation Center in Denver, Colorado.
And we have remained here for exactly 180 days. Today, it’s time to U-turn home.
Home. A memory from long ago and a lifetime if feels we have lived since being there.
Home.
Back to the piano which Zac used to practice for hours.
Back to the running shoes, he used to wear.
Back to his bass guitar, he used to play.
Back to his surfboard that started it all…
Yet as I was praying for Zachary before bed last night, these words came tumbling out:
“You are going home, not less, but more of a man than when you left - all due to the work you have allowed God to do in you. You have been His workmanship, you have allowed God to write this story in your life, you have not been afraid, you have given thanks in ALL things, you have allowed the joy of the Lord to be your strength, you have continued to inspire us all…”.
Would it be strange to say that I will miss this season of pain? I will miss how raw and broken my heart has been here, and I will miss how desperate I have been for God to speak His truth to me. Yet perhaps He has simply taught us to worship Him in a deeper way. So we return, broken but healed; fragile but strong; weeping but joyful. I am overwhelmed. Again. God is so good.
And if I may, for the very first time,
acknowledge YOU who have been reading these journal entries…. weeping with us, cheering us on, praying for us. We have read every comment, received every prayer, sustained with every encouragement.
Thank you.
Know that this has been a journey for ALL of us. Because God never changes. For this is YOUR story too. And as He has been working in Zac’s life, He has been working in yours, even if you didn’t know it.
Paralysis causes us to be desperate for God.
Uncertainty presses us into a deeper faith.
Silence teaches us that God is STILL working, even when we can’t see it.
Trials are miserable, but they can be glorious if we catch a bigger picture of who God is. Time is so short and Jesus is coming soon. May we ALL be empty vessels for HIS glory. Whatever your circumstance, “God is good and He does only good.” Do not fear. This is our journey together and we shall continue to WALK in the sure Word of God.
Home today. See you on the other side, our precious brothers and sisters in Christ
Phil 3:8
“I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them mere rubbish, so that I may gain Christ.”
Journal Entry 6/11 From Kristi
Today is Zac’s last day of rehab at Craig Hospital.
We are both a bit overwhelmed as we move through his last day of classes.
God has been doing in Zachary just what he promised: To do exceedingly, abundantly above all we have asked or thought. (Eph. 3:20)
He is stronger than when we arrived at Craig Hospital. But he still has a long journey to go.
He has formed very special bonds with his therapists and other patients here. It will be hard to say goodbye to them.
He has remained peaceful and joyful.
He is an inspiration to be with.
He has a simple faith in God’s goodness that has not wavered.
He began this journey memorizing Psalm 139 and has it fully committed to his heart now. We read Psalm 139 every day for our first 30 days. It has defined him.
So incredibly blessed for our time at Craig Hospital. The Lord knew exactly where He wanted us to be. He’s just that kind of God.
Journal Entry 6/4 From Kristi
“I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.” Ezekiel 37:5-6
Departing from rehab campus housing last week and cutting our second string with Craig Hospital proved to be as hard as I expected. Rich and Everest arrived to help us settle into our hotel room across town and I returned to our campus room to finish clearing it out. The empty room flooded me with emotions of remembrance, the battles and the victories. I knelt at the foot of Zac’s empty bed and cried and cried. Until the Lord gently reprimanded me: “Kristi, your son is alive. Go and enjoy him.” With that, I took a *deep breath*, shut the door to our room, and closed yet another chapter. // Of course, hours before when Zac left the room, he was happy and chatting. I don’t think it fazed him. His joy inspires me.
I’ve been reminded this week that our Faith is never wasted. I have prayed, believed, hoped, invested all of my energy into faith for God’s perfect work in Zac. Yet I’m being reminded that the purpose of our faith is not to produce an end result.
The purpose of faith is simply to please God. “For without faith, it is impossible to please God.” Heb. 11:6.
The burden of result is released from me as I simply enjoy the journey of worshipping Jesus.
So I can take another *deep breath*.
After dragging my feet to leave Craig, the Lord provided us with a pool in the hotel. I find this so like our Lord - “let go of what you are holding onto, trust Me, and I will lead you into something even better” He whispers to us.
So for the first time, without therapists, Zachary got back into the waters. He transferred onto the assessable pool chair, we lowered him down, and slowly brought him into the waters. At first, he just floated with pool noodles. But he soon graduated to swimming, using mostly his biceps and water shoes to keep his feet from sinking.
It was frightful at first to watch him move in the waters. I kept wanting to rescue him when his body submerged. But I began to quickly realize something: as long as he took a good, deep breath of air, he was safe for a moment to explore movement under the water. So I began to focus on his breaths. *Deep breath*. Good job Zac. He begins to sink. Don’t save him yet. He is learning again how to swim. Moments pass. Then another quick breath. Whew. And back under the waters again.
Of course, we had hand signals if he needed to be rescued. But as long as he took that breath, he was safe for a moment.
And of course, it hit me: I am that swimmer. Moving through these waters of adversity. Overwhelmed by the waves, drowning in moments of fear…. but that single breath, that refilling of His spirit in me, renews me just enough to submerge again into the trial to safely move through it, until I need to come back up for air a moment later.
My continual dependence upon Jesus.
He is breath in my lungs, allowing me to swim just one day more.
“The breath of the Almighty gives me life.” Job 33:4
Pray for our upcoming discharge from rehab and return to Brookings on June 14.
Pray for our search for a new home. We have to be out of our current rental home July 31.
*deep breath*
Journal Entry 5/26 From Kristi
Big day today. After 5 1/2 months of living on the Craig Hospital campus, we begin another transition. Our new “home” for the duration of Zachary’s rehab (mid-June) will be at a nearby hotel. Currently, Zac is over at the Peak Center, working out on the FES Bikes as I spend a last moment in the room, gathering my thoughts once again.
The sentiment of leaving the Craig Campus does not escape me. Here Zachary and I have learned to live with his paralysis; here we have learned to apply techniques for getting up, getting dressed, eating, showering, transferring from bed to chair to couch; here we have learned to pick up Zac when he falls; here we have been in solitary fellowship, exchanging deep thoughts and also keeping silent; here we have laughed genuinely and here we have laughed with secret courage when our hearts would otherwise fail us; here we have battled it out playing Catan (our favorite board game), dining on our simple fare of sharp cheddar cheese and Triscuits; here we have each quietly waited upon the Lord for lesson after lesson after lesson as His Word continues to sustain our weary hearts, watching the snowfall and the rainstorms, and the trees bud and the flowers bloom. Home for the past 5 1/2 months.
Life keeps changing.
God keeps teaching.
We keep faltering.
God keeps encouraging.
Then we start trusting, once again, and then the cycle repeats.
Yesterday, Zac got behind the wheel of a car to drive for the first time since his accident. Several months ago, his triceps were too weak to turn the steering wheel. Now he doesn’t need any assistance, but is able to steer, use gas and break with just hand controls. What a strange joy to watch him get behind the wheel as a “student driver” to relearn what he has done before but must, as with everything else, learn to do again.
So many, many things he has to learn to do again. And learn to do differently. But he is courageous to try so there is always hope. But it’s still a lot of work.
Blessed to have visitors this past week. We met up with Michael Lange and his sweet wife Jill. Michael witnessed Zac’s accident on the beach, a stranger to us then but now dear friends. The last time Michael saw Zac he was helping to pull him from the ocean. Zac’s therapist captured the moment they met up again on video.
His buddy Daniel also came to visit. Again, the last time the boys were together, Daniel was pulling Zac from the waves on the beach.
Two powerful visits to remind us of God’s faithfulness.
Rich and Everest arrive today. It will be soooo good to have them here.
So sitting in my little Craig room for the last time, reflecting, remembering, considering all God has done... what more can I say? God is good. And He does only good. He has never failed us. We do not need to fear the future for He is with us, He has gone behind us, and He goes before us, fighting battles we do not yet know will come our way. His presence is all we need. It surpasses the knowledge we wish we had. It is enough. HE is enough.
By God’s amazing, beautiful grace... one more day.
Big prayer for housing: our landlords are selling our home and we have been given until the end of July to move out, giving me 6 weeks after returning to make a transition. We do not know where yet. Again, it stretches the heart. We are not afraid but we certainly need the Lord to open some doors for us now and show us His way...
He will. For this is our God.
Journal Entry 5/18 From Kristi
🎶 “Whatever it costs me, I’ll give it up freely. Whatever You ask me, I gladly release....”
It’s a quiet, rainy morning today and Zac is still sleeping. I’m listening online to the words of a live song Everest is singing for Morning Worship at church back home, and the song just grabs my heart.
My spirit does not question this statement: “Whatever it costs me; l’ll give it up freely...” but my flesh seems to send off warning signals: “That is not a safe statement. Be careful. Are you sure you want to ask for this?”
I look up to see Zac asleep on the bed. His wheelchair sitting next to him, waiting for the day to begin.
My heart feels for a moment like it is dying. Again. Then I’m quickly reminded of Romans 8:6 “to be carnally minded is death; to be spiritually minded is life and peace.”
I am living this verse.
When I try to reconcile Zac’s injury in my flesh, with my heart, I’m overwhelmed with fear, with grief, with loss.
But when I put that aside, not try to make “sense” of it, not try to determine how this looks for the future, when I simply set my eyes on things of heaven, I’m at peace. PEACE.
I’m at peace because suddenly something is missing: the questions.
How do I know I have my heart set on things of the Spirit and not of the flesh?
Simple: I stop asking questions.
I believe what I know: God is good.
And life and peace floods my soul.
It does not mean I have to walk through life with my eyes shut.
I just see differently. “I will SEE the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” (Ps. 27:13)
My day always looks different when I re-align my heart with God’s truth. Oh Lord, help me to set my heart on things of heaven.
———
Zac was assigned in Occupational Therapy to practice writing a letter. Mind you, he can only slightly move his right fingers and none of the left. But he took to his assignment by writing down Psalm 139 which he has memorized. 2 1/2 hours of carefully scripting the verses. Every letter of God’s Word laboring to be penned by his paralyzed hands. Word after word. And he did it. Beautifully. He penned a letter alright, God’s letter to him, and the joy in the look in his eyes when he presented it to his therapists says it all.
We must live by God’s Word. It fills us with His spirit. And THAT is where life and peace are found.
Journal Entry 5/13 From Kristi
Great news: Zac was approved 4 more weeks of rehab here at Craig, placing us here until June 11th. This continual extension on rehab here at Craig amazes us and blesses us. As God continues to provide for our practical needs, we hold on to this as hope for God’s provision in Zac’s physical needs. It reminds me of my favorite song:
“He giveth more grace when our burden grows greater,
He sendeth more strength when our labors increase.
To added affliction, He addeth His mercy;
To multiplied trials, He multiplies peace.
For His love has no limit.
His grace has no measure.
His power has no boundary known unto men.
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again. “
How generous our God is to lavish Himself upon us in the midst of our hardest trials. Daily, I wake up overwhelmed. Daily, He rescues me quickly by the comfort of the Truth in His Word.
Mother’s Day was sweet. It was a rainy day and we stayed back to listen to Spencer preach the Sunday service online. So blessed.
Zac presented me with a Moms Day Card, written on the back of an envelope, the only “paper” he could secretly find. I cried when I saw it; 5 precious sentences that took over 30 minutes to write, for his fingers can barely hold a pen, but still beautifully scripted, representing the healing God is doing in him.
We ended the evening by playing a board game with the family back home vía video. I am so blown away by my four amazing kids, each growing closer to each other through this journey that we are all on together. Their strength and love for Jesus continually renews my own.
Zac continues to improve with rehab. It is a slow, patient progress though. He was able to stand for 5 minutes this week wearing leg braces with no additional support from waist up. Yesterday, in the Exoskeleton (“walking pants”), he took 740 “steps” in 40 minutes. (when he initiates a step, the exoskeleton takes the step for him). All the while, Zac focuses on sending messages to his legs to take the steps.
In Occupational Therapy, he continues to use electric stimulation to help with finger flexion and extension. The repeated motion is to “stimulate” his muscles to remember how to move. Then the stimulation is turned off and he practices on his own, concentrating on the muscle, willing it to move. His right hand has sight finger movement. His left hand has none.
It fascinates me to note the value his therapists put on Zac THINKING about moving his muscles, even without seeing them respond. The understanding is that his Thinking still sends messages to his injured spinal column with the hope that some messages will pass through and manifest themselves with movement below his injury level.
Zachary has to discipline his mind to retrain his muscles to move.
Through every trial, there is a continual battle in the mind. Oh, that I would continue to learn from my boy - that my thinking on God’s Word would send messages past my injury area of fear and be manifested with muscles to walk by faith.
*Sigh* I have so much to learn. Maybe God is extending Zacs time at rehab until I learn all my lessons. lol.
God is so good and we feel so blessed to be walking strong by His grace.
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You.” Is 26:3
Journal Entry 5/3 From Kristi
It’s raining today outside.
For a while now, I have been struggling to put together thoughts. Lately, when I sit down to make sense of this journey, I come up empty. A little dry. By faith, I know God is working under the surface, but it feels like a barren winter season, and the rains continue to come. And so do the secret tears.
The Denver landscape has matched our season: mostly brown, muted tones from the dried-up grass and bare trees and empty shrubs.
I miss the green.
I have come back to our room during Zachary‘s therapy class to grab a copy of his driver’s license. I’m in the process of applying for a handicapped parking pass for my son. I lay out the form before me and I’m supposed to select the right box: “are you requesting a temporary pass or permanent pass?” the questionnaire asks me.
That question hurts. I don’t know if my heart is ready to select the box that says “permanent disability”. I can hardly wrap my heart around it.
I look over at the extra wheelchair parked in the corner of the room. Yesterday, it was issued to Zac to try out and so I brought it back to our room. At first, it was fun, racing him back, chair vs chair, mimicking his newly learned wheelchair skills and technique... but then as we both rolled into our room, I pushed over to the corner to park the wheelchair - and then I Stood Up.
Just like that.
My “injury” wasn’t real.
I looked over my shoulder to see if Zac saw me. (Of course, he was just happily checking messages on his phone).
I stood up and walked away from the wheelchair. But Zac can’t do that. He can’t park his chair over in the corner of the room and then say, “ok, that was fun, but now I’m done. I’ll just park it over there and walk away...”
Because of the cold rains, I’m noticing something on the Denver landscape is beginning to change: the lawns are beginning to look a bit more green. Tulips and daisies that have been hiding below the surface this whole time are now just beginning to pop up. The dry, brown tree outside of our window is blooming green sprigs with white buds. Life is slowly breaking through the surface and with it, a dare to believe that change is coming. New growth brings a declaration of hope. We arrived in the dead of winter and now spring is arriving.
Still filling out my Handicap Parking pass, I suddenly see it in bold, red print in the middle of the page: “Your physician will determine if you qualify for temporary or permanent disability parking privileges.”
I just stare at those words for a moment. The most obvious on the page.
I’m not required to answer that question. It’s not my responsibility to figure out if we want a temporary or permanent pass.
My God and Zac’s great Physician is speaking.
I hear you, Lord. I will trust You again. I’ll put his name in the blank and then You can finish the form. You determine this course. Just keep me focused on You. And bring on the Spring.
Big prayer request regarding housing. Our landlords may be putting our home up for sale soon. Pray for God’s provision and direction for us.
Pray for rehab extension. Still waiting to hear from insurance if we return home in 10 days or if they will extend rehab into June. His therapists want him for more time to fit him to leg braces to support him in standing.
Pray for the many side effects of a spinal cord injury Zac deals with besides paralysis. It is tough.
“For behold, the winter is past... The flowers appear on the earth...
The time of singing has come... Arise...”.
Song of Songs 2:11-13
Journal Entry 4/24 From Kristi
“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, And He delights in his way.” (Psalm 37:23)
I found myself praying this verse as I watched Zachary in some very exciting physical therapy sessions this week. His legs are waking up. Legs that should not be able to move at all with a C5/C6 spinal cord injury. But God continues to do exceedingly more.
For the first time, he was able to stand with leg braces and a walker for support with just a light spotter on the back. It was thrilling. Then the walker was removed and he was given forearm crutches, and again, he was able to stand with good balance. A month ago he was only able to stand for 6 seconds. This week he stood for 3 1/2 minutes.
After a session on the Vibrator to subdue his leg spasms/ toning, he was hooked up to the Therastride Treadmill. There the therapists helped him take step after step, excited to see that as he shifted his weight onto his right side in extension, signaling his right quads, glutes, and hip flexors, the left ankle soon began dorsi-flexing, lifting at the ankle, prepping the right to take a step. The level of the therapists’ excitement in seeing this excited me too and I found myself quietly crying behind my mask with joy and praying, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD - Oh Lord, because of YOUR atoning work, my son is a GOOD man, ORDER him to step, Lord! I KNOW You can do it!! You ARE doing it!”
And then, as if to emphasize His answer, the following day the Lord gave Zachary a new record of steps in the Exkoskelton - 648 steps to be exact with 26% participation.
“I will give you every place where you set your foot.” (Josh. 1:3)
Keep instructing those legs, Lord! Praise God, step by step, You always faithfully lead us.
Journal Entry 4/20 From Kristi
Five months today since Zac’s accident.
Five is the Biblical number of grace, and multiplied by itself, which is 25, is 'grace upon grace' (John 1:16)
Twenty-five days left of rehab.
Yes, God’s grace upon grace.
It amazes us how fast the days seem to pass here now. It’s been a very quiet week with just Zac and I here, falling into a rhythm once again of focused rehab.
Every day we look for those glimmers of hope that something more will “return” - we do not know the end intended by the Lord - though I was reminded of James 5:11 this week: “You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord —that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.”
And I believe that with all of my heart. God has been compassionate and merciful; we do not grasp for hope as if it is elusive. For if hope is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen (Heb. 11:1), then we do not grasp for elusive outcomes, but outcomes of compassion and mercy already accomplished by the Lord.
Already accomplished.
So we can rest and not strive.
We can persevere and work hard, knowing God has finished this story, and He is GOOD.
And even when we falter, He picks us back up.
Four times Zac has fallen from his chair now. Four scary times. The first time was when we first came to Outpatient, and saw the couch in the room... such an exciting idea to sit on a couch... so I helped him slide from his wheelchair to the couch. He loved sitting there. “I feel like just a regular guy, hanging out on the couch” he told me.
But we didn’t consider the 8 inches we would have to lift to get back into his chair. And as we worked to move him back to his chair, the wheelchair slipped and he started to slide down to the floor. I panicked. I grabbed him under both armpits and desperately hoisted him as much as I could to lift him back to the couch. But I didn’t have enough strength.
“Just let me fall, Mom,” he said to me. It broke my heart. Moms are not conditioned to let their children fall. But I didn’t have enough strength.
I straightened out his tangled legs and we eventually used the electric lift to get him back up. So thankful it had been sitting in the corner of the room, just waiting for us, knowing not if, but when he would fall.
The second fall came Easter Morning when a leg spasm launched him forward out his chair.
The third fall came this weekend when transferring to bed.
And hour later, he fell backwards and onto the floor.
We have been told: it is not if you will fall, but when.
We are learning that God gives more grace, indeed, grace upon grace, more strength of heart, each time we fall.
I want to be his savior. I want to protect Zac from all further harm. But I hear God whisper, even as Zac did to me, “let him fall; I will pick him up.”
For “The Lord sustains all who fall, and raises up all who are bowed down.” (Psalm 145:14)
Ok Lord, then You raise him up - I can’t.
You do the work in Him - I will cheer him on.
You lift him on his feet again for our sure hope is in You.
THANK YOU From Kristi
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who contributed to the Firefly for Zac’s birthday!!! I was waiting to surprise him with it, but shipping is delayed until the end of April so we told him. He is soooo excited to use it and feel some “speed” again!! He uses a manual wheelchair to get around and pushes slowly everywhere he goes, which makes his shoulders quite sore. The Firefly will be such a game-changer for him and there are miles and miles of paved bike trails here in Colorado that he can use it on. (Now I just have to figure out how to keep up with him !) We will get some good photos when it arrives!!
Your prayers and encouragements continue to keep our hearts lifted and motivate us to tackle each day and the challenges that arise.
“I thank my God in all my remembrance of you.” (Phil 1:3) - you are each our “Aaron and Hur” (Ex. 17:12-14) - keeping our arms lifted up during this battle
Journal Entry 4/15 From Kristi
I can’t even begin to express how wonderful it has been to have family here this week. It was so much more than a celebration of Zac’s birthday. It became a proving ground for all of us that life is gonna be ok, God is still good, circumstances change but the Lord still makes a way to find that joy in Him.
Zac and I were surprised by a visit from Grandma and Grandpa - which of course brought instant tears to my eyes. I hugged them and sobbed for just a brief moment - I have been communicating this story of Zac via phone and photo for so long, they have been my rock continually pointing me to The Solid Rock - that I was overwhelmed with emotion in the reality of it all.
The days were all full of activity- the kids all took to assisting Zachary with natural ease. I stood back in awe to watch my family love on him - not necessarily surprised, but so so blessed. He was no burden to them - indeed, just the opposite. They all four thrived together. It was especially sobering watching the four of them drive off by themselves together to attend a youth worship night at Red Rocks Church. It was a cutting of ties between Zac and I - but extremely natural and I was so happy for him to have an evening on his own with his siblings.
Leaving the security of the Craig Hospital family housing in exchange for an Airbnb for the week made it very obvious that the ability to quickly adapt and learn life a new way will be a key to joyful survival. So much change. But what a continual comfort Mal. 3:6 is: "I the LORD do not change. So you... are not consumed.” We can move through extreme change because our foundation is built upon God, who never changes. This strengthens our hearts.
So the days flew by; we went to the Zoo, played board games, just learned how to do life together as a team with Zac, and most importantly, worshipped the Lord together on Sunday and closed our visit in a time of prayer.
So this is how we love life and manage the toughest of times:
“Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord” - plus the bonus of family.
I’m so thankful for each one of them.
We have one month left of Outpatient rehab here. Continue to pray for Zac’s recovery. Nerves and muscles are responding below his injury level - May the Lord continue to give him increase.
Journal Entry 4/9 From Kristi:
19 years ago today, Zachary (“Jehovah Remembers”) Matthew (“God’s Gift”) was born.
Today was an absolutely sweet day celebrating Zac’s life with our family. Best of all, Grandma and Grandpa even surprised us with a visit. Feeling just bathed with the joy of family again!!
Journal Entry 4/4 From Kristi
The resurrection of Jesus changed everything.
It validated every promise that He ever made.
But it first required His death. Yet God does not do less, He continues to do more. And He never takes a step backwards. Friday only remains for a moment because Sunday always comes right around the corner.
Reminding myself this weekend that Zac’s life has not taken a bad turn. THIS is the adventure that God has always known He would prepare Zachary for.
Admittedly, it is hard to wrap my head around. But we are learning to filter every aspect of this journey in the light of God’s Word, which is absolute truth.
So we will not grieve the long distance races that he once ran for High School Cross Country. They prepared him to “run this race with endurance”. (Heb. 12:1)
We will not grieve the beautiful piano songs and bass riffs that his fingers skillfully played. They prepared him to “offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually”. (Heb. 14:15)
We will continue to remember that God does not give us less, He gives us more, for He takes our life from “glory to greater glory” (2 Cor 3:18)
It’s been a Happy Easter; we were able to worship at church on a Sunday morning for the first time since Nov.
Yes, Because of Easter, everything has changed: My God is alive, My God is with me, My God has a plan, He’s in control.
Indeed, God has been in control the entire time.
Journal Entry 4/3 From Kristi
Live today, not in reflection of the past
Live today, not in presumption of the future.
It was a beautiful sunny day in Denver, snow still crowning the majestic Colorado Rocky Mountains that tower over us from a distance, and I decided to go for a walk while Zac was in class. I found myself sitting at the top of a very long flight of stairs, leading down to a pathway that weaved between a park’s soccer and baseball fields. I began to reminisce about Zac’s soccer and baseball days as a little boy. So many happy memories. But I sat on top of the steps leading down to the field, steps that gave no wheelchair access to even get to the fields, and I just wept.
A text message came to me: “Kristi, just wanted to encourage you today with your own words: ‘Finish their sentences, Zac. Say, ‘God has the final Word’.’ Also, ‘Lord, strengthen our hearts to not fear the mountains. You are there.’”
How just like the Lord - my own words coming back to remind me that as I sit on this mountain of steps, I am not alone. As I imagine Zac sitting in his wheelchair next to me, unable to get down the stairs, unable to access the fields, unable to move as he once moved, we are not to fear the mountain, God is with us.
Charis was with us this week. She was a breath of fresh air for both Zac and I... so incredibly encouraging to have here. She brought us strength. And I loved observing her joy in spending time with Zachary. He made her laugh.
We went to visit the Botanical Gardens with Charis and we found that the smooth, paved path that wove between exhibits brought us to a choice: accessible ramp or stairs. We chose the stairs. Just for fun. Just as I had been trained in his therapy classes, I tipped Zac back in his chair and pulled him up backward while Charis spotted him from the front. Easy enough. Stairs are not scary. Just a little more effort.
Again, the weather was beautiful and we took a picnic down to the lake. The path led us to stairs. We had no choice, but the mountain seemed smaller this time. Again, we moved him up the stairs.
I’m learning to Live today.
I’m beginning to see that although Zac’s story has brought us to the foot of the Colorado Rocky Mountains, unlike the physical world, mountains are actually much smaller than they appear the closer we walk to them in faith.
God seems to be extending our ability to remain here at Craig for Outpatient rehab until May 14. Continue to pray for Zac’s healing. His core gets stronger daily.
Zacs 19th birthday is next week. Whereas Everest was ready to take his turn for a visit, Spencer is now joining him again... as well as Rich, and so we are bringing Charis back too. Our entire family will be together for the first time since Nov to celebrate Zac’s bday.
Daily my heart trembles. But then faith takes me to the foot of the mountain, and it doesn’t seem quite so big.
We are having to rent an Airbnb next week to accommodate the family here. I gave Zac a choice as to where he wanted to stay with the family.
He chose the house with seven steps to the front door.
Journal Entry 3/27 From Kristi
“This hasn’t felt like a trial...”
I had such a great conversation with Zachary today. We were traveling in the car together, running around town on our sunny, free Saturday... and he was fidgeting with his fingers, stretching out the new pointer finger that just started working. “It’s like Christmas every day,” he told me. “Just waiting to see which new body part God is gonna unlock. I have so much to be thankful for. From day one, ‘I’ll Give Thanks’ has been my theme song. It’s like it was written for me before I’ve even lived it.
“And I wouldn’t describe this as a “trial”. It hasn’t felt like one. A trial is something with no hope, where things feel out of control.”
Wow, Amen, Zac.
And then we began to consider the words of his “theme song”:
“In the silence, I choose to believe
You're working in the waiting...
Though the future isn't clear to me,
I trust You anyway...
Every breath I breathe an invitation
To believe You are creating
Something good....
Though this season doesn't tell my story
I know You'll move mountains for me
You're just that good....
So I'll give thanks to God,
When I don't have enough,
'Cause He's more than enough,
And He knows what I need...
So why do I worry?
God knows what I need....”
My 18 year old boy is paralyzed and he doesn’t see it as a trial... this mystifies the mind, until you come hang out with him... and you hear him laugh, and you see his peace, and his joy, and his trust in the goodness of God’s deep love for him. And somehow what doesn’t make sense in Zac’s story suddenly makes perfectly good sense; God is in control and it’s that simple.
He tells me this does not feel like a trial. He tells me that a trial is circumstance without hope. Indeed, #zacsHope is Jesus and that makes all the difference in the world for him.
Kevin came to visit us this week and we had such a blessed time with him. Our family is such a continual encouragement and source of strength. So thankful that Kevin was able to go into Zac’s therapy classes and see first-hand the awesome work he is doing.
Most exciting this week was when Zac was put in the Exoskeleton, a powered lower limb orthosis (Craig Hospital was the first to receive this), which RESPONDS to leg movement to take a robotic step. Zac’s physical therapist confirmed she is seeing trace movements in his abs, quads, and hip flexors. Somehow, Zac was able to trigger the slightest motion in his legs/hips and the Exoskelton finished the step for him.
Once again I am reminded how the Lord multiples our smallest effort. He is so good.
“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should WALK in them.” Eph. 2:10
Journal Entry 3/24 From Kristi
March 20 was four months since Zac’s accident. At times, it seems surreal to be this far into it now, and daily, if I allow myself to consider it, the future is daunting. But seeing God guide us step by step this far reminds us that He will continue to lead us one day at a time. God does not change. But joyful survival is always a discipline of where I allow my thoughts to land - “taking every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Cor. 10:5
On Friday, we went to our first live church service since November. It was actually an evening of worship, put on by Red Rocks Worship Band, who are local to Denver. The Band heard word of Zachary and invited him to come out, even though all of the tickets had been distributed. So blessed.
When we arrived at the church, we got in line with the hundreds of others waiting for the concert... so strange to feel “different” as Zac rolled along in line in his chair... but he doesn’t want special preference so he was happy to be in line.
We entered the packed lobby, greeted instantly by a host who knew we were coming, and escorted us to seats they had saved for us in the isle... the only level ground in the sanctuary for all other seats required steps. Steps always make my heart a little anxious now - they seem like an accessible path from a lifetime ago.
The lights dimmed, worship music began, and the people instantly stood as one, excited to worship. My heart seized. Here we go; for the first time in this journey, it felt I would have to take a different path than Zac. Spencer, on Zac’s right, stood up to worship. I, on Zac’s left, gave him two quick pats on his back, perhaps as a reminder that I was still “with him” and then I stood up too. He was the only one in the entire sanctuary still sitting.
The lights were down low, praise music filling the room, and I could no longer hold the tears back. Four months of tears. Four months of questions. Four months of praise.
I wrestled with the injustice of it all - me being able to worship God freely while my son remained bound.
And after four months of “walking” this journey together, it felt as if we were finally having to take our separate paths in how we would worship the Lord. I standing, raising my hands. Zachary sitting, not able to even raise his hands, for his triceps are still too week to sustain them up for long.
Song after song we all (minus one) stood in worship. I worshiped and cried, knowing full well that Zachary would have to figure out his own way to worship God now.
The lyrics of one particular song struck my heart: “A million angels fall, face down on the floor, All to echo Holy is the Lord....” and I realized that Zac was much closer to falling on the floor in worship than I was while standing. The Lord gently reminded me that Zachary will figure out how to worship God in his own way... and it will be just as glorious - probably even greater - than a room full of worshippers standing in adoration to God with arms lifted high.
At the close of the evening, the people all filed out, and a young seven year old girl walked up to Zac, smiling and silently pointing to his chair... she was autistic and did not say a word, but stared at Zac in fascination. Her mother quickly told us her daughter had been in a wheelchair a few weeks earlier. I smiled and said to her, “so you and Zac are wheelchair buddies!” She seemed delighted at the concept. And then as they walked away, we saw her move very slowly with a strong limp. She became a beautiful sight of hope.
The lead singers of Red Rock Worship came up to say hi to Zac as well. They were so kind and asked him about his accident; they were very encouraging, telling us they had just been in Brookings a month before his injury. It was a sweet way to end the evening.
“and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God” (Rev 7:11)
